wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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