What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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