I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
