Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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