In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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