im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just invented taco cereal.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
