You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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