While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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