College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
