it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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