During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
