I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
