based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
