guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
