I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
