she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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