you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
