3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
