i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
