I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
