You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
