When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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