I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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