My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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