'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
