my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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