Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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