i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have aggressive nipples.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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