Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
