I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
