Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
