I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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