I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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