Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
