If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
