im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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