Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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