she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
