haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
