I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
