the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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