I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
