Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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