Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
