are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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