none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
