my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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