You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
