That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
