Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
