you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
